7 THINGS ON MY MIND

“Madam, I want to thank you for your recommendation,” Steven said. I smiled casually and answered,” No problem, we thank God”
The promotion list has just being released and all the lucky staff are dropping by to show their appreciation.
My life is so sweet and beautiful. I get to wake up whenever I like, sleep whenever I want and do whatever I like.
How did I get here……
Let’s rewind my life a little ….
I came into the office on a splendid morning two years ago and my boss was like;
“I’m yet to receive on the query sent to you yesterday”
And I’m like
“Sir, I will do that just right away, my apologies please.”
So I get down to the business of answering queries. First I sign on to my windows and check my mailbox.
Hahahaha
Lancelot@lifeassuranceng.com
7 messages waiting
Eyes popping, my mind was like
I need to read this
Dear Miss Lara,
Kindly explain why I have not received a response to the query sent to you since 9:32am yesterday.
Your response should get to the undersigned and all copied person before COB today.
Thank you.
Lancelot Chukwudika
Head, Kabasa Outlet
Life Assurance PLC
Uhmmmm…
Which message is my query…
Yeah… Tada
Dear Miss Lara,
It has been observed that you have not met up on the performance index given to you for the month. As a result of your poor performance, your appraisal is going to be questioned.
The outlet is expected to deliver 98% on KPI and you are yet to explain why we should keep paying you for not delivering on expectation.
Your response should get to the undersigned on or before 12noon today.
Thank you
Lancelot Chukwudika
Head, Kabasa Outlet
Life Assurance PLC
I quietly rose from my desk and paced around my office. I wish I could just hit the gym and clear my head. Appraisal ke!!!
It’s been five years since I joined the company. Every year I hit performance index of 99%, saying to myself,
“I’ll get promoted this year.”
Boom!
The promotion list is out and my boss arranges his face like a box of cheese saying,
“You know that promotion is being calibrated. Some of us have been in this bank for years and we’re not promoted for like nine years.”
The tales by moonlight begins of how they were paid N18640 as in 1993 when they joined the bank and the end of the story remains, “I will shortlist your name next year. In the meantime, I’m very impressed with your KPI performance.”
The the wolf smile
“Keep it up”
Guess what, my friends Temilade and Amaka were promoted, KPI 97% Riverside outlet and 94% Madaki outlet respectively. We joined the same year.
So I sighed deeply and exercised my fingers.
Get ready, it’s time…..
My before the COB query response…
Good Afternoon Sir,
I apologize for dropping the ball on my performance this month.
However that being said, since a query is a kind of question. That one that says “kindly explain?”; here’s my explanation,
I have just seven things on my mind;
1. I have currently hit 97.8 and today is 20th. I don’t understand why I’m getting this query. Please send it again on the 31st then you will be justified.
2. Last month I score 99.38% leading the entire outlet, no one got any query for poor performance so why am I getting one?
3. For three years I have been due for promotion but you keep giving that omelette face smile instead of recommendation. Since I’m still expecting your dumb face this year, you can stick your query in your ass
4. Since your cousin gets promoted every year, even when she did not meet your “calibrator’s requirement”, I hope she’s getting this same query as I am. Everyone knows she was on 62.47% as at yesterday. Wehdone sir.
5. The reward that was sent to the branch last month for my outstanding performance as a key player and as a team, we are yet to get alert???
or is it only my account that has alarm problem .
6. Don’t forget, I still have the original invoice of payments for the generator repair, the new photocopier and the original receipt for the fumigation done last month. They showed huge differences from the amount reimbursed into our general services and miscellaneous account respectly. I need your advice, should I whistle blow??
7. Since you are very good at drafting queries. Please find attached a copy of my resignation letter. I need your editorial advice to be sure it was properly drafted.
I hope my explanation covered all your enquiries
P.S: I still have dos pics from the nights at the convention. I’m sure your Madam will love them
I have not copied everyone as you requested as I await your confirmation.
Best regards
Lara Collins
Team Lead, Financials
Kabasa Outlet
Life Assurance PLC
Send….
Message Delivered…..
Tada
It’s been two years now since that query and I’m still at Life Assurance PLC. I am now the Head, Graceville Outlet. My promotion was as rapid as ever
I wish I got that query two years earlier than it came.
Now you know why I love my life.