[Story] My Experience With Naija Police – The End (Episode 4)

Sensation, KFC, Biggs and I were sandwiched again at the back, I sat on KFC’s laps while Biggs sat on Sensation’s, the ride to the station

was a precarious one, the van was quite old and accomodating 8 persons was like a stretch for it, it was like there were invisible pairs

of hands holding the van at both sides preventing it from tumbling, or

probably the van was used to it, the roads were quite bad, and we kept on falling into portholes and ditches, thankfully we got to the station without actually falling off or anything, I was grateful to the imaginery hands. The station was an eyesore, there was this unpleasant ambience, everywhere smelled of crime. The security room positioned at the gate laid derilict, it was empty, dirty and ugly, the compound was quite spacious and was carpeted with grass, kudos to the police officers who were off fighting crime and trying to restore order and peace while ignoring their environmental hygiene.

The crooked nose officer drove the car into the compound and parked

close to a kiosk with a sign post that read “Administrative office”

nailed to the door post, there was this heavy stench of urine emanating from that kiosk environment, administrative office indeed.

The stained teeth officer opened the door, ordering us all to get down as he unzipped his khaki to take a piss close to the kiosk, releasing warm liquid of corruption. There were building debris everywhere, the rain was giving them serious trouble obviously, the vestiges of buildings signalled a red alert, the station could not take anymore, we were marched through a bush path laced with decomposing faeces, passed by a building with a stout policeman in it and a young boy with a rugged jawline, dreadlocks and a black eye, he was handcuffed and seated on the floor, I wondered what this young boy had done, probably his dreadlock was too much and could upset the peace of the state, the older policeman stopped momentarily and exchanged greetings with the stout policeman, after he was done we walked down that path into what looked like a slightly large cubicle with “Anti-crime unit” written on the wall with chalk, this was the anti crime unit department, Nigeria. They took off the cuffs on our hands and asked us to sit behind a desk, the older policeman grabbed a chair and positioned it in front of us, the crooked nose officer had disappeared, it was just the cross-eye officer and the stained teeth officer that were with us. The older police officer brought out his phone as he signalled the cross-eye officer to bring in the “evidence” and place them on the desk before us, he punched some keys on his phone and pressed it to his ears, he was about making a call. This was my first time in a police station, and from the look on Biggs, Sensation and KFC’s face it was their first time too, they were all scared, it was written all over their faces, the officers could read it too because they kept on teasing. The room was sparsely furnished, it contained a bench which were sitting on, a desk, two plastic chairs and a table and desk joined together with chains, the fan stained with black dusk and looked dysfunctional, the room was cold and ugly. The older police officer had finished making his call, the conversation was in his dialect so eavesdropping was useless, he kept the phone in his pocket cleared his throat and started his speech, “we have been hear of boys disturbing and causing wahala in the town, is why we arrest you children. No be say we just come ur hostel to begin dey harrass una, no, it is person that call us to tell us of the disturbing people, they say sand wey no wan go Lagos na yam ee go follow by force, if u no sey u get sand in your garri talk now so I can help una, because if we check una phone and computer and we see anything that dey bad una no go like me o” he said, I wondered If that was an advise, or a threat, surely these men were upto something, mischievious lot, the whole of them. There was no reply from any of us, we were all clean. In the absence of a reply, the older police officer and the others proceeded to searching the “evidence”, they started off with the laptops, fumbling as usual, “wey the remote to on d laptop” the stained teeth officer asked, illiterate!

The laptop was a tough one for them, not only could they not operate it, there was nothing for them to find there, they dumped the laptops and picked up the phones, this was a tad bit easier for them, we watched on as they went through the phones, I prayed silently that they should hurry, I didn’t know how much of that station I could take anymore, suddenly the cross-eye police officer let out a cryy, and then he bursted into an annoying laughter while showing the phone to the older police officer, saying something to him in their local dialect the older police officer wore a sardonic smile and looked at us, “I first advise una…” So it was an advise, “…sey if any of una get sand for garri make ee talk, God don catch una, who get this phone?”

He asked raising up a Tecno F7, Biggs phone, “sir, its my own” Biggs said, the humbling slap still had its effect, “God don catch u, so u be yahoo yahoo boy?” He asked, “Arrrgh, no sir o, I am not” Biggs was as surprised as I was, I wondered what they had found, “so na dis fone u take dey dupe all dose oyibo people abi? Even naija people”,

“sir I swear I don’t do yahoo yahoo” Biggs voice was breaking now, his eyes were already misty, was he about to cryy? “Are you saying that I dey lie? No be the web site I dey see so, wey you dey use dupe people, OLX.com abi? Na d site wey u create take dey use collect people money” this was unbelievable, these men were illiterates, how could they not know what OLX.com facilitates? They think its a yahoo yahoo site, I was rolling on the floor laughing in mind, “Sir, OLX.com is a recognised site to trade” Biggs tried explaining, I’m sure he was surprised himself, “o you feel sey I nor go school abi?”

He retorted, “you go sleep cell today”. They went on searching but unfortunately for them they found nothing, they moved on to Sensation’s department’s assignment, questioning him thoroughly regarding it. “Is it your concern to have the assignment of the lecturer wey dey lecturing you?” The cross-eye officer asked, stupid question, these men are all stupid. After they had searched the “evidence”, they tore sheets of paper for each of us, asking us to write a statement. This is the tricky part, anything you write can be changed and used against you, I ruminated on what to write, most especially how to write it, I’m going to confuse them with my vocabulary. Biggs and Sensation had started off writing, the officers were dictating to them what write, “…we catch you and friends smoking in the room, and we arrest you, write am like that” the older police officer dictated, none of us smokes. I picked up the pen and started writing,

“I was apprehended by the roadside for no justifiable cause, charged with offenses that were formulated by the very men that apprehended me, I was commuted to my abode were my bystanders were inculpated for being normal citizens, encapsulated in their van we

were transported here. Our rights as patriotic citizens is being infringed for no just cause”

that would confuse them. We all submitted the statement to the older police officer who read them one after the other, I knew it was mine he was reading when what was written on his face was a conundrum, let them try to twist that. After the reading which took minutes to complete he finally looked up, “una two fit go, but you and you go sleep cell today” he pointed at me and KFC, we were clean, quite unfortunate for Sensation and Biggs, Sensation was held back for having those assignments while Biggs was held back for the OLX.com issue. The men were quite serious as they handcuffed the both of them, by which time the crooked nose officer had arrived, we were too surprised to even beg, they were marching them off to an old building when the older police officer halted them and asked them to return, “look, I like una, and I no want make una sleep cell, because anything wey go make una enter that cell una own don finish be dat, so make una arrange something for us” he said, I knew that has been their objective all along, a bribe!

“Sir, I understand, how much sir” Biggs responded, “N100,000 each” he replied,

see this thief, he wantes to wriggle out his 3 months salary from someone’s hand, “arrrgh, sir, we are students o!” Biggs was alarmed, we all were, “instead make u dey thank me, u dey shout, normally na N350000 per person”, “sir, just take us to the cell, there’s no need”, biggs replied, that angered the officer, bad market.

He tried to beat the price down but Biggs would not accept, he was adamant, why was he so keen to sleep in a cell. Since they were not

willing to change their mind, they marched them off towards the cell building, they had barely gotten far when they heard a gunshot, it was shot by a police officer into the air, we were all frightened and turned to see who was coming, the person must have been very important bceuase everyone saluted him, he even had an entourage, the man who shot into the air was part of them, they were walking towards the office we had just left, immediately after they passed us, the police officers holding us also marched us towards the office, apparently another high ranking officer had gotten involved, now these boys are done for good! We entered the office, the man the entourage were following was already seated, he had this calm and likeable mannerism, his face was expressionless, silent killers. All the police officers were still saluting and I wondered what we were supposed to do, probably salute with them? I guess not, “what did these boys do” the man asked absent minded, a deep barritone voice,

“sir they are yahoo boys sir” the older policeman answered, he was at ease now,

“I see, that’s nice, if there is one thing we would like it curb it is the rate of fraudstars, curbing their fraudulent act, good work officers. Now what proof do you have of your assertion?” The man asked cooly,

“this one sir have a yahoo site called OLX.com on his handset” the older officer replied grinning like a hunt who had just caught the biggest game in his hunting career, the entourage bursted into a hearty laughter,

“ OLX.com? How is that a yahoo site,

thought it was a trading site, what about this one?” the man questioned, pointing at Sensation,

“the other one have assignments of lecturer sir, he is involving in malpractice” the older policeman said, humiliated by the laughter,

“that is indeed malpractice!” He replied in a sardonic tone, ” but isn’t that because he is the class representative for his level, is it not, Sensation?

” How did this man know Sensation’s name, I got the answer immediately,

“Yes dad, I’m the class rep, and as a class rep I’m the intermediary between the lecturers and the students” sensation replied,

oh! How could I have forgotten! Sensation’s dad is the commissioner of police for that state, that explains why he has been quiet all along, he knew he had immunity, I wondered how the man knew of this whole event though, but I didn’t care, I was enjoying myself now,

“so you arrested these young men because one of them understands and uses OLX.com and the other has the assignments for his department, I see, the very height of crime. Tell me son, did they try to extort you? How much did they ask you to bring.”,

“N100,000 each sir” I quickly replied him, he smiled

“So, officers, not only were you arresting these men unlawfully, you wanted to indulge in corruption, isn’t that the one thing you’ve sworn to fight? Even the ones trying to fight off corruption are the very perpetrators, how preposterous! Go home kids, I’d handle it from here” the man replied, Biggs and Sensation were immediately unhandcuffed, we were grinning from ear to ear. As we walked towards the gate we could hear the four officers crying and pleading, this was turning out to be a good day, still I wanted to know how his dad got to know,

“wait o, how ur papa take know sef?”I asked,

“immediately they started with the whole searching thing, I quickly texted my father, I nor fit for police wahala abeg” sensation replied, I suddenly felt this love for Sensation,

“Sensation. I feel like kissing you now” I said excitedly, I was happy,

“No wahala na. Kiss me in front of the station, then they’d have a very good reason to nab us, our 14 years honeymoon would be epic” he replied, we all laughed as we stepped out the gate, this was a good day.

*****THE END*****

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